Archived intro dialogue
Captain Stubble makes a spectacular entrance.
Before the weed killer, there was a test flight.
This is a transcript of the opening’s surviving dialogue, not the original interactive intro. That experience combined animation, audio, scene timing, skip controls and a loading game; restoration remains in progress.
1. A perfectly ordinary test flight
On April 28th, 1997, well known astronaut and culinary chef, Captain Harry Stubble began a test flight of the S.S.S. Quagmire. The ship was equipped with a new, internal system of security gates designed to ward off intruders and was powered by the new high-tech Solonometer panel.
Using the Solonometer panel to blast his way across the galaxy, Stubble emerged in a meteor field in an uncharted sector of space. Despite the incredible navigational skills on the part of Stubble, the external Solonometer panel was severely damaged, leaving no way of returning home to Earth.
To make matters worse, Stubble soon discovered that he was not alone in the universe.
2. First contact. Bad first impression.
Colonel Stamen
This is Colonel Stamen of the Spore Colony MZ12. Identify yourself, trespasser! Why have you invaded our space?!
Captain Stubble
I am the great Captain Stubble, astronaut, disco dancer and culinary chef. I bring you greetings as a representative of Earth and as an expert on music of the 60s, 70s, and AND 80s. This must be a very exciting time for...
Colonel Stamen
Enough! Already you annoy me, Earthman. We spores are peace- loving plants, content only to blossom, spread our weeds, and occasionally get watered.
Colonel Stamen
But YOU come and invade our space, and bore us with bad musical trivia. Be gone from here!
3. A small diplomatic misunderstanding
Captain Stubble
Well, Mr. Stumin, I'd love to leave here, I really would, but my ship's power panel has been damaged by meteors. To make matters worse, the damage has locked the automatic security gates on my ship, and I'm unable to reach the control room.
Captain Stubble
So it's gonna take me some time to get to the other end of the ship to make repairs. You can understand that, right, Your Plantness?
Colonel Stamen
Your excuses mean nothing to me. As we speak, I am sending off a series of spore pods which will infiltrate your ship, track you down, and destroy you.
Captain Stubble
Perhaps some plant food would appease the great Colonel Stumin?
Colonel Stamen
It's Stamen, you stupid, stuttering Stubble! Can't you spell?! The time for bargaining is through. Good bye!
4. One captain. A ship full of spores.
Captain Stubble
Dang! Here I am trapped by my own security gates, miles away from the control room, my only ticket out of here. Thank heavens my ship is loaded with weed killer! Watch out, Colonel Stomen!
